i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
