i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize