the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
