Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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