and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
