I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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