I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Who died my cat blue again?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
