there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
