oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
