i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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