If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
