Umm I'm too high to move.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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