I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You are a genius and a whore.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
