i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
