I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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