I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
