just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
