I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
