Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
