I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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