my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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