Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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