Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
