Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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