dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
