It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
