The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
