Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
