see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
