a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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