I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I don't deserve a penis
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
