your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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