Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
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