I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm sobbing to NWA
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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