they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
