if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
