i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize