Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
50% drunk capacity currently
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
