We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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