i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
