Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
