i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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