the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
