I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
