im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
