I'm so fucking centered right now
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize