I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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