a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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