Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
