I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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