I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
