they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
