I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
