woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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