I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize