two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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