Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's never too late to be topless.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
