im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
