a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
